Daily Inspiration: Meet Cheri Shandra

Today we’d like to introduce you to Cheri Shandra.

Alright, so thank you so much for sharing your story and insight with our readers. To kick things off, can you tell us a bit about how you got started?
I would like to state that my story isn’t one that is told for the purpose of revenge or due to deep harbored anger. My story is about spreading awareness of covert abuse and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, sharing what life was like for myself and how my experience is not an isolated one. There are millions of victims with similar stories, some with abuse being less obvious and causing victims to question if they are even being abused while others are in a state of emergency for the severity of abuse inflicted on them. ALL forms of abuse are bad and being able to share my personal experience gives each and every victim a voice. I would also like to share that after years of hard emotional work and lots of alone time, I have forgiveness in my heart. No matter what someone has done to me, I always hope that they are growing in a healthy way, and if they are trying to be a better version of themselves, I commend them. The people discussed in my story are human; flawed and evolving. Their choices are anything but good but it is their own path to take, and the challenges that come from their behaviors are theirs to own.

I developed Tangled in Toxic- TikTok, Blog and Podcast as well as published a self-help book; Pain Purge Journal, after years of enduring covert abuse from individuals close to me with a disorder that’s far too common and more destructive than realized. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not only a disorder I understand through education I’ve obtained but also from personal experience that has, for a portion of time, broken me to pieces while also being the reason to rebuild myself better than ever.

My journey has paved the trajectory of my current existence and ignited a passion to educate, support, and build a community of survivors. I’ve specifically focused on covert abuse due to the difficulty of detecting abuse and the emotional and psychological damage that can literally cause (reversible) brain damage. Covert abuse is also very difficult to prove in the justice system, and for victims of this form of abuse, it is gut-wrenching to suffer not only years of abuse but then silenced and ignored in a system meant to protect the vulnerable, balance the scales of justice and make known to society what is not above the law.

My earliest memory was when I was three years old. It was my aunt and uncle’s wedding, and I was the flower girl. At the reception, my dad took his place at the center of the dance floor, loud and entertaining as ever, and a persistence to get me to join the festivities. I remember feeling embarrassed and declining him as his face changed from excitement to annoyance. I never joined him on that dance floor. The ridicule I endured from rejecting his wishes was the beginning of a long history of verbal and physical abuse, emotional neglect, and a slew of mental health issues that would eventually result in fourteen years of hard work in therapy and a future continuing to grow, heal and live the life I deserve.

My childhood was exposed to the tumultuous relationship between my mom and dad. I would hear them scream at each other and hear bodies bang up against doors and kitchen cabinets. When I was young, I’d watch my mom sit on her bed and cry as quietly as she could. My dad had affairs, verbally abused her, and emotionally neglected her needs. He would be hot and cold with his emotions, leaving her to feel unworthy and continuously chasing the breadcrumbs of pseudo-love he’d occasionally leave. As I got older and became the only ear my mother had to vent, I became protective of her. I started speaking up and pushing against his antics. The consequence for me would be my dad using a belt to discipline me and my brothers, usually saying, “Let me know if it leaves a mark”, before leaving my room. Hearing the crack of a belt, when held on either end, pushing in and forcefully pulling either side in opposite directions, still affects me. Even with his behavior being unpredictable, aggressive, and abusive, I still loved him. It was the moments of him being a good dad that I desperately held onto.

I was a singer throughout my childhood. I competed against other teens in my city and had won several times. It was my dad who watched, encouraging me and teaching me what it meant to have strength. How ironic that the man who was breaking down my confidence would also be the one to build it. Later in life, I’d remember his words. It fueled me to break free of the abuse I would endure later in life.

My childhood experience has more detail to be shared than I could possibly fit into this article, but nonetheless, I’m grateful to share, even if it’s fragments of it.

Fast forward to my early twenties, I met someone that would not only continue the cycle of abuse but also be the learning experiences I’d need in order to build strength and compassion in a way that I couldn’t possibly express through words.

We married in August and had our first child in December. Four kids later, seventeen years of marriage and his multiple affairs, emotional neglect and manipulation, which caused me confusion, codependency, and identity loss- I finally left. I broke a cycle that had been plaguing the matriarchy of my lineage. In addition to my ex’s treatment towards me, I had in-laws that openly devalued me, shamed me, made tasteless jokes about my family, would comment positively on my then husband’s ex-girlfriends even though they were aware of his infidelity; they would make mean hurtful comments about me to my children. The amount of passive-aggressive behavior that I was greeted with each day would be shocking to anyone.

November 17, 2021 my life changed. My dad and I hadn’t spoken for over a year. I needed space from his hurtful words and demanding ways. November 4th, my dad was intubated due to complications of Covid-19, and 13 days later he would succumb to the virus. The days leading to his death, I cried harder than I’ve ever cried. The mixed emotions of love and hate consumed me. I hated his mental illness and the behavior that resulted from it yet loved him as my dad. I loved the bits of time that were pleasant with him.

Most people didn’t seem to understand this dynamic of hating someone’s vile behavior/actions yet loving them for the moments of goodness. Due to this lack of understanding, most people assumed I was happy he passed.
This couldn’t have been further from the truth.

My dad’s death was the catalyst for my awakening. I had been an empty shell of a person, allowing disrespect from not only my spouse but many people in my life. Since my dad’s death, I unlocked many issues I had previously been blind to. People I thought had my best interest at heart were now seen with clarity and the realization of how their involvement in my life was keeping me stagnant. I started to see who truly cared for me and who benefited from my people-pleasing, insecure ways. Since November 2021, my youngest son was diagnosed with type-1 diabetes; I filed for divorce, dealt with sexual harassment at my job and later laid off, I was kept from marital funds as a form of control, dealt with a long and painful court experience combating the lies told to the court, I have endured the smear campaign which resulted in many confused people in my family and community.

I have been on the brink of homelessness while my ex stayed in the family home with my children, kept the family car, and hired a well-known attorney. I had to leave the house. The continued trauma from him and his parents, who were unexpectedly living in my home long term- an agreement made with their son without my approval, I was forced to leave that environment, create an emotionally safe space for me and my kids, and rebuild my life. Having been a stay-at-home mother for over a decade per my ex’s insistence, I lacked certain skills, confidence, and ambition. I was starting from scratch.

I know the feeling of betrayal more than I wish. I know the feeling of abandonment from family and friends. I know what it’s like to not be able to pay your bills and I know what it’s like to be a mother as well as someone desperately trying to claim their identity. But I also know what it’s like to thrive; continuing to heal from trauma, stay strong for my children, and create a better life.

I had a small support system that helped me stay focused and strong. I was given opportunities to flourish, and with those opportunities, I changed my life for the better. Although the road to a new life was bumpy and full of many lonesome long nights working on projects, I wouldn’t change a thing. Now I see the progress that’s developed from the pain. I see how it’s not only changed my life in a positive way but the lives of others, too. I turned pain into purpose. Pain Purge Journal, Tangled in Toxic, my art and writing have been birthed from the chaos that once existed. And to possibly be able to help change the trajectory of someone else’s life in the best possible way will have been worth every difficult moment I lived through.

Can you talk to us a bit about the challenges and lessons you’ve learned along the way. Looking back would you say it’s been easy or smooth in retrospect?
If there’s one thing I’ve realized as I’ve grown into the person I am today, it is that nothing worth having comes easy. In order for me to break generational cycles of abuse, I needed to move in a direction that was uncharted. The very reason I stayed in place as the seemingly, happy housewife was the exact thing I began to fight against- compliance. Something inside of me woke up. I was jolted from a deep sleep. It felt similar to being in some sort of trance; having no concept of reality or how it was chiseling away at my abilities and the purpose I was always intended to live.

One day, after years of struggle, months of preparation, and weeks of last-minute contemplation, I moved out of the home that I had once poured my heart into for the sake of my children. But, by leaving the very environment that was slowly destroying the beauty of my spirit, I was removing barriers so my children were able to move into adulthood unscathed from generations before me that perpetuated a lifestyle of compliance, fear, and confusion. They would eventually see that I fought for the scales of Justice to be balanced and harmony to be brought to their lives and the lives of their children. As a result, I’ve also healed my inner child- the girl who craved the attention and love of her father and fought for him to see her worth but had always felt two steps behind from achieving it.

Since I stepped away from the facade I once lived, I have lost family and friends; I have lost job opportunities, I have had my character beaten down and slandered as the daughter that was ungrateful and full of hatred for my dad and the negligent wife and mother. I have faced deep inner emotional, psychological, and spiritual work, which resulted in many lonely nights praying, meditating, and sobbing for a sliver of light. Every emotion I once suppressed was now flooding me with full force.

BUT… this difficult evolution is something I am beyond grateful for and wouldn’t change the experience. The reason I’m filled with gratitude is because lessons I could have never learned and flourished from wouldn’t have impacted me as it has now, in the most profound ways.

The positive is that I’m free-I have been able to pour so much love and effort into myself and have bloomed into the person I was always meant to be. I have faced my insecurities, worked on ego death, found forgiveness and inner peace. I created Pain Purge Journal to help individuals process suppressed emotions from trauma, wrote a children’s book, and used my paintings of animals to illustrate it. I created Tangled in Toxic to help educate society on covert abuse, inspire victims to break free and to develop a plan to aid victims that have been financially abused, controlled, and manipulated, especially when divorcing abusers.

Many victims are seen as happy within their family unit. Many abusers manipulate victims to believe that the cheating, verbal attacks, and so on are caused by the victim. Abusers will often complain about their spouses which brings sympathy to the abuser, alienates the victims, and makes freedom more difficult.

If there’s something meaningful readers can take away from my experiences and the struggles to get to where I am, it is that investing in your mental and emotional well-being will result in achieving a love for yourself that you’ve never known but always deserved. The purpose of this journey is realizing how amazing you are and learning to love yourself first in order to decipher which type of love is healthy and which is toxic. Learning to love myself was by far the most challenging thing to overcome, but it was the key that unlocked every other issue that was occurring. Once you love yourself deeply, you see the truth that surrounds you, and that alone gives you the courage and determination to get the respect and love you know you deserve.

Thanks – so what else should our readers know about your work and what you’re currently focused on?
Having a creative outlet has been a huge part of my healing journey. I have been a professional singer for over 20 years. I’ve been in a number of Musical Theater productions and Cabarets. I still continue to sing and plan to perform in more productions in the years to come. In 2011, I created a bath and body line that was eventually sold in a store and online in 2018. Due to my emotional and mental health dealing with my personal struggles, I eventually closed my shop. I was also creating wire jewelry which I sold for a period of time and truly enjoyed.

In 2020, after years of neglecting my love for painting, I dove head first into watercolor, acrylic, and multi-media art. I have been able to express emotions through my work, which shows in my Mental Health Series. I have been fortunate enough to be able to share my art with so many people, selling tons of copies and creating commissioned pieces for many clients. Through my art, I continued my passion of expressing emotions visually to writing and speaking about mental health which resulted in Pain Purge Journal and Tangled in Toxic.

I am most proud of my ability to see the beauty in difficulty and being able to transform my pain into a passion. I genuinely care about people. I want everyone to feel safe enough to express pain in whatever healthy way they can. I believe this sets me apart from some but there are many people who feel the same as I do. There are many people that want others to succeed and find peace. Through my art, writing, and educational guidance, I hope I can be a spark of hope to persevere.

So maybe we end on discussing what matters most to you and why?
What matters most to me personally are my children and making sure they have the safety and security that I lacked as a child.

But, what matters most to me on a larger scale (with my children included, of course) is LOVE. No, not romantic love, although it absolutely can be. More specifically, I’m talking about love for ourselves, love for others, love for the world we live in, and the future that awaits us. Everything beautiful stems from love. Having a kind heart is having love for yourself that pours onto others. Someone that does not lead with love is someone who is more likely to treat others how they truly feel about themselves. The negative emotions casted on others is actually a mirror onto how they feel within. This saddens me because they have yet to see their glory, therefore they treat others in a way that lacks love. When we lead with love, we start seeing people in a deeper way. We understand that everyone is on a journey and dealing with their own struggles. We learn to have more compassion and see things with a clear lens.

I believe our purpose is to live, learn, and love. When we can take each experience and learn something from it, no matter how painful it might be, we can find a way to elevate and use our struggles as a teaching tool for others. It’s easier said than done, believe me, I know, but it’s helped me in moments of doubt and needing a reminder of my purpose.

Contact Info:

• Website: www.cherishandra.com
• Other: linktr.ee/theshandracompany

  Image Credits
Henry Jimenez Todd Vigiletti