An Inspired Chat with Dr. Harel Papikian of West Los Angeles

We recently had the chance to connect with Dr. Harel Papikian and have shared our conversation below.

Harel, we’re thrilled to have you with us today. Before we jump into your intro and the heart of the interview, let’s start with a bit of an ice breaker: When was the last time you felt true joy?
To quote Dalai Lama – The purpose of life is happiness, and most of my most joyous and happy moments are the ones I share with my husband. Sometimes these are big adventures, like the trip to Japan we took recently to celebrate his birthday, and sometimes these are quiet moments at home, cuddled up on a sofa, watching our favorite shows. We live busy and full lives, and these moments we get to spend together are precious.

Something a bit less known about me is that I am a big fan of EDM (electronic dance music). My husband and I do not miss an opportunity to see our favorite DJs, whether here in Los Angeles, or while traveling abroad. We are lucky to live in Los Angeles. Our favorite artists come here often, and whenever they do – we are there. Just a couple of months ago Benny Benassi was spinning in Hollywood. It was an incredible night.

Can you briefly introduce yourself and share what makes you or your brand unique?
One of our greatest sources of love, support, and connection is the relationship with our significant other. It has long been known that good marriages significantly improve our health and longevity. We are not only talking about emotional well-being, but also about our physical wellness. Nevertheless, most of us invest significantly more in our education, careers, health, and children than we do in our relationships.

As a licensed clinical psychologist and a couples therapist, I devoted the last 16 years of my Los Angeles private practice to helping clients create the love we all want and deserve. My clients taught me a lot. Most of all, they helped me create and fine-tune a therapeutic approach I use – The ARM Method, which stands for the 3 phases of therapy I lead my clients through – Awareness, Release, Mastery.

Our therapy journey starts with an understanding of the current landscape of the relationship and how we got here. We talk about the relationship now, the history of the relationship, personal histories of each partner and together we learn what is the personal “baggage” each partner brought with them into the relationship, what is the “baggage” the couple have co-created toghether during their time together, and what is the most effective way to help them create the relationship they want. This is the phase of Awareness.

This therapy map we have drawn in the first phase of Awareness, leads us into the second therapy phase of Release. Here, I change things up a bit and move from working together to spending a few sessions separately with each partner. Just like in any healthy relationship, where we have a shared space of togetherness, and a personal space of our own careers, aspirations and inspirations, so it is in our therapeutic process. The purpose of the second phase is to address our own personal baggage and help us become the partner we need to be to have the relationship we want to have,

Finally, the 3rd and last phase of couples therapy is Mastery. Here, the focus is on acquiring the necessary skills for us to navigate our relationship landscape masterfully. Each couple brings into the session their areas of tension or conflict, their points of challenge or friction. Together, we develop strategies and identify skills to create mutual understanding, to have disagreement without conflict, to deepen a sense of connection and closeness in the relationship, and to strengthen the foundation of safety and trust with each other.

I am sharing my therapeutic approach with you to demystify the therapeutic process, but ultimately, it is not about the method of transformation, but the transformation itself. It is deeply fulfilling for me to see my clients heal their relationships, grow, and create an inspiring, nurturing, and fulfilling connection. It is wonderful when love wins.

Amazing, so let’s take a moment to go back in time. Who taught you the most about work?
You know, I was a very serious and socially awkward kid who was never interested in the age-appropriate or “cool” things, like sports. Not for the lack of trying, by the way. Unfortunately, I did not have a single athletic bone in my body. I loved being around adults, hanging out with my parents and their friends. By the age of 15 I knew that my path was psychology. The human mind fascinated me. One of my clients during our first session asked me what made me choose the path of a clinical psychologist. I told him that there are those people, like my husband, who are extremely talented in many different things. The challenge these people face is the necessity of choosing a single path out of many. Luckily, I told him, I never had that problem. I am only good in one thing. That one thing is my calling and my career – I am a guide through the inner realms of our mind, exploring the labyrinths of our consciousness and sharing the map with my clients. The map can be applied, of course, to the relationship work as well as for many other pursuits of personal growth.

Throughout the years, numerous people shaped me and contributed to the process of my becoming. My parents taught me resilience, determination and persistence. I watched them overcome the challenges of immigration and build a prosperous life for our family. It was an important lesson to learn, since it took me a decade to build a thriving practice of my own. I went from a few clients per month in 2009 to a fully established practice now. My dad always reminded me that Rome was not built in a day.

Another monumental figure in my professional growth is Dr. Matt James and his school for NLP (neurolinguistic programming). I spent several years mastering the methods he teaches and fine-tuning them in the work with my clients.

Books, programs and podcasts by Esther Perel and Terry Real have been instrumental in my understanding of relational dynamics and the couples therapy process. Esther Perel is my professional idol. Her very presence in the sessions with her clients, along with her brilliant analysis of the root of the relational challenges, is awe-inspiring. Terry Real is incredible in his down-to-earth style of breaking down relationship problems to actionable parts and offering a step-by-step process to move past the stuck places.

My clinical work is shaped by all of my experiences, not just the professional ones. Being on this beautiful blue pearl of a planet for nearly half a century, I went through my own heartbreaks, disappointments, stuckness and struggles. I experienced love, inspiration, hope, and fulfillment. I allowed art, music and nature to move and touch me. As we move through life. we expand, deepen and grow richer. I do my best to bring all of it into the work with my clients.

Was there ever a time you almost gave up?
There were numerous times I felt exhausted and depleted. As a matter of fact, it happens regularly. However, I think we get to the place of giving up when we corner ourselves into fixing the problem here and now. The place of holding a problem and not knowing exactly how to resolve it is an important place. It is an opportunity to deepen our understanding of the world and of ourselves. However, it is an uncomfortable place marked by ambiguity. It is the place in-between, a liminal space between what was and what will become. We are uncomfortable with these ambiguous places. We want clarity and we want it now. Often, we cannot solve anything “right now,” especially not when we feel exhausted and depleted. Once we create this stuck place in our mind of having to come up with the solution this red hot minute, it is only natural to get stuck and to give up.

Instead, I just take a break, focus on the essentials, and let go of the rest. I don’t think about the stuck place, I don’t talk about it, and I do not problem-solve. Instead, I breathe, work out, connect with my loved ones, take walks, hang with friends, read books, eat my favorite food, and wait for the next wave of energy and inspiration. It can take few days, few weeks, and sometimes, even few months. Interestingly, during this time, new ideas and useful information tend to come my way and help me see the problem from a different angle. Once I am energized and ready to re-engage, I do. It happened numerous times in my career, my relationships, my health and fitness journey, and probably in every area of my life. If we don’t force it, we find the way. Don’t give up – take a break.

Sure, so let’s go deeper into your values and how you think. Is the public version of you the real you?
I guess it depends on what you mean by “real.” I definitely did not wake up like this. In my professional capacity, of course, I do my best to filter my thoughts and present them in a way that is constructive and empowering. However, the things that I say in sessions or on my public platforms are always congruent with how I truly feel. My family and friends get the less filtered version of me, however, the essence remains the same. So I am going to answer your question with a “yes.” My public version is a bit more polished, but still very much the real me.

Thank you so much for all of your openness so far. Maybe we can close with a future oriented question. What do you understand deeply that most people don’t?
There are several things I tell my clients that surprise and even upset them:

First is the fact that a relationship will not create happiness for you – it will only magnify the happiness you bring into it. Aka – it is the BYOH party – bring-your-own-happiness my friend. The fantasy that love will heal you is a very appealing and very disappointing one.

Second, children are not the center of the family – you, your partner, and the quality of your relationship is. Thats the main house. Children are the guest house.

And finally, the relationship space between you and your partner is sacred. Sharing your relationship challenges with family and friends violates that sacred space and brings more challenges. Protect your relationship from the eyes and ears of others.

We are sold the Hallmark version of Love. It is all inspiration, infatuation, and passion. The reality is that this is only the first stage of romantic love – the Honeymoon. After the honeymoon comes the second stage of Conflict & Power Struggle. If we survive it, the third stage is Partnership, and so on.

When we enter a relationship, we expect a rose garden, and initially, we get it. However, as we walk the path of love, the garden becomes less manicured, slowly turning into a wild forest. Beautiful, powerful, and sometimes scary. The shadows of our past live there along with the promises of the future. My role as a therapist is that of a guide. I give my clients the map and help them walk the terrain toward the clearing to build their house there.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.WestHollywoodCouples.com
• Instagram: @dr.harel
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Solo2Soulmate/