Meet Holli Kenley

Today we’d like to introduce you to Holli Kenley.

Hi Holli, we’d love for you to start by introducing yourself.
I grew up in an alcoholic family system riddled with cruelty, criticism, and condemnation. As the second of four daughters, I became a “parentified child” at an early age, taking care of my younger sisters and accepting responsibilities far beyond my stage of development. My role early on was one of a peacemaker and caregiver, desperately striving to make my environment more safe and secure.

Although I was a very shy and sensitive child, I yearned for acknowledgment or recognition. I worked very hard in academics and in my musical pursuits, achieving much success. However, at age eleven, I was awakened to a brutal reality. After being assaulted by an older teen female neighbor in her home, I escaped and ran to my home. I tearfully told my mother what happened. She responded, “Holli, do not ever speak of this again to anyone. Go change your clothes.”

From that point forward, I made myself two promises. First, although I did not understand my environment and the unhealthiness of it, I was determined to do whatever I needed to do in order to leave my family of origin after high school. Second, I promised myself if I ever had the privilege of being a mom, I would do things differently. I would not repeat the inadequacies of my parents.

I kept my first promise to myself in 1969. I was accepted into the University of California at Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, CA. and began studying music and French. After a couple of months, I fell into a deep depression and attempted suicide. After refusing to return home, I agreed to attend counseling. Although I don’t remember much of those sessions, I do recall the safety I felt in sharing some of my story with a very empathic psychiatrist. I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in 1973.

Over the next decade, I entered into many unhealthy relationships with men. And I also suffered from monthly bouts of depression and anxiety. However, in 1975 I returned to college and obtained a teaching credential from Sacramento State University and began teaching in public education. During this time, I met, married and divorced a highly abusive alcoholic man. In 1977, I met and married a wonderful man and had my daughter in 1979. However, my bouts of depression and anxiety worsened. Our marriage unraveled and we divorced in 1984.

Determined to keep my second promise of being a good mother to my daughter, I suffered silently and carried much shame and guilt over my inability to manage my moods. After marrying my current husband in 1985, he encouraged me to seek out medical help. I was fortunate to locate a compassionate female physician who thoroughly assessed my symptoms and diagnosed me with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (known then as PMS). The doctor viewed treatment through a wholistic lens, incorporating a healthy diet, exercise, stress reduction, vitamin supplements, sleep, and carefully administered natural progesterone. She also encouraged me to enter into counseling in order to address underlying issues and to learn healthy coping behaviors. I did everything I was asked to do. This experience changed my life. For the first time, I felt empowered. I knew I could take charge of my wellness. And it was up to me to maintain my wellness. It became a priority.

In the late ’80s, my husband, daughter, and I moved to Southern California. We bought five acres in the mountains, where we had a home built, about an hour from the Palm Springs area. This is important because being in nature became a vital piece of my recovering. As I walked among Her, the healing properties of peace, calm, and serenity infused my being on every level.

After working very hard on my own recovery, I wanted to give back to other females who were suffering from PMDD. At that time, there was still much unknown about the disorder and there was a tremendous degree is false and harmful information regarding diagnosis and treatment. I began leading psycho-educational support groups for females with PMDD. I organized these through a local church and led the groups for three years. At the same time, I continued conducting ongoing research on PMDD and learning of new findings and effective approaches to treatment. In 1991, I wrote my first book, “The PMS Puzzle.” It was published in 1993.

Because I was inspired by working with females and seeing the changes in their lives and because I wanted to be able to help on a more professional level, I applied to and entered graduate school in 1995 to obtain a Master in Psychology. Although I continued teaching middle and high school, I graduated in 1998 and continued on to become a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. During these years, I always kept a pulse on my own well-being and re-entered therapy whenever I needed to address issues. “Recovering” became well-integrated into my being.

As a full-time therapist, I began specializing in trauma and abuse, especially sexual abuse and recovery. However, I treated other forms of trauma as well and became fascinated by the issue of betrayal (all kinds). Frustrated by the lack of understanding of betrayal injury and the ineffective tools for the treatment of it, I conducted my own research on this debilitating issue. After several years of comprehensive analysis and testing of treatment methods, I wrote down my findings in my second book, “Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within.” It was published in 2009 (Loving Healing Press, Inc.).

During this time, I also began speaking on betrayal and giving workshops. This is important because I learned as a child “not to speak” and that my voice was not important. This stretched me on every level! However, each time I finished a radio show, podcast, or presentation, I again felt empowered. Most importantly, I witnessed how my work was helping others. This fueled and fed my passion. My passion became my purpose.

Over the past thirteen years, I have continued to write more books. I also continue to speak and present on the topics which I research. I also maintain a private practice which keeps me grounded and in touch with the pain of others. In 2015, my family of origin experienced an unspeakable trauma. Although I have lived far away from my family most of my adult life, there was no distancing myself from the pain of this trauma. On Wednesday, April 8, 2015, my elderly mother and father carefully planned, carried out but did not fully complete a dual suicide. Their bodies were found (alive) on Friday, April 10. 2015. My father lived one week longer but died peacefully at home under hospice care. My mother recovered and lived four more years until her passing in 2019. After this tragedy, the remainder of my family splintered and fractured. My mother disowned two of my sisters and myself. In her Living Will, my mother disinherited us as well.

I share this last story because I believe, know, and trust that my journey of recovering and my commitment to wellness have served me well. Did I experience betrayal? Yes, of course I did. But I did not get bitter. I got better. Each and every day, I continue to choose wellness. In my private practice, my writings, and my speaking, I encourage others to do the same.

I’m sure you wouldn’t say it’s been obstacle free, but so far would you say the journey have been a fairly smooth road?
My journey was filled with many struggles along the way. In addition to being raised in a dysfunctional family of origin, suffering from various forms of trauma, and making unhealthy choices in my relationships, I’ve learned over the years that resistance shows up in many areas of our lives. Some of the more challenging forms of resistance show up the life – messages that we say to ourselves about who we are and our worth. Because my life messages were rooted in trauma, I grew up believing that “I was not wanted. I was a mistake. I felt invisible. My life held no value or worth.” In my own recovery work, it took many years of therapy to deconstruct those faulty life messages and a broken sense of self and produce new life messages and a whole sense of self. This is really hard work!

Another form of resistance is one that is not spoken about enough. When I made the decision to change my life by choosing a healing path, some friends and family members were not supportive. They were on different paths. Sometimes, we are required to travel our journeys alone. But what I learned was that the more my wellness was integrated into my way of being, the stronger I became at recognizing and addressing any forms of resistance, regardless of their source.

Lastly, I’d like to mention that when I started writing books, there was a ton of resistance — not just from nay-sayers but from many rejections from publishing companies! I believed in my research, healing messages, and in my passion for helping others. Eleven books later, I don’t even think about resistance anymore!

As you know, we’re big fans of you and your work. For our readers who might not be as familiar what can you tell them about what you do?
I currently work in the field of psychology as an author, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and workshop presenter. As a thought leader in psychology and the author of eleven recovery books, I help individuals bravely address discomfort, dis-ease, and dissatisfaction in their lives be creating healing shifts — first within themselves and in their relationships.

Along with speaking and writing, I maintain a private clinical practice in Rancho Mirage, CA. My areas of training and expertise include trauma recovery with a focus on sexual abuse recovery.

For the past fifteen years, through my speaking, I have engaged clinical and lay audiences, empowering them with strategies to embrace well and whole ways of being. I have been a six-time peer presenter at the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists’ Annual State Conferences and a featured or keynote speaker at college-level clinical programs, state and national advocacy organizations, and educational institutions speaking on issues such as betrayal, relapse, and sexual abuse recovery. I have been a guest on over 100 podcasts as well as on TV speaking on issues of wellness.

I am best known for my work in the area of betrayal and recovery from it. Based on original research, I have authored four books on betrayal. For the past several years, two of them — “Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition” and “Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving from Brokenness To Wholeness” — have consistently been in Amazon’s top 100 books in Recovery – Adult Children of Alcoholics. I look at it this way — the more books sold, the more people helped.

What am I most proud of? After applying for TEDX Talks for over six years, I Ianded a talk with TEDxMountRubidoux in July 2022. I delivered my talk — BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About — on September 24, 2022. As of today, it is nearing 50,000 views. It’s growing about 1,000 views every couple of days! And the comments are beautiful – my talk is changing lives and helping others. This is why I do what I do!

What sets me apart from others these days is probably my age! While most seniors are traveling and seeing the world, my passion and purpose are to try and help to change it – for the better. Don’t get me wrong, I do love to explore other cultures and places. It’s just that right now, more than ever, I feel an urgency to ease the chronic pain of trauma so many are suffering.

Is there a quality that you most attribute to your success?
The qualities or characteristics that are the most important to my success are the following:

Authenticity
Transparency
Truth
Vulnerability and Strength
Valuing my voice by voicing my value (what is important to me)
Inclusivity and Diversity
Acceptance and Belonging
Connection
Unconditional Positive Regard

Pricing:

• Speaking $500 per hour
• Therapy $140- 180 per clinical hour

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.hollikenley.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hollikenley/?hl=en
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hollikenley
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/hollikenley
• Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/HolliKenley
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/HolliKenley
• Other: https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share

Image Credits
Nicole James Photography