Conversations with Elyssa Helfer

Today we’d like to introduce you to Elyssa Helfer.

Hi Elyssa, thanks for joining us today. We’d love for you to start by introducing yourself.
I believe that for many of us therapists, we began our careers far before we even decided this was what we wanted to do. For my entire life, I have been the person people could talk to. Whether a stranger on the street or a close friend, there has always been this recurring theme of vulnerability and disclosure in my presence. Growing up, my mother used to joke that once I started talking, I never stopped. My journey to therapy makes sense; it is who I am at my core; becoming a kink/BDSM specializing therapist was a different story. Up until college, when I attended the University of Minnesota, I had never even heard of kink. At the time, I had an idea that I may have wanted to become a therapist, but I did not know which population I wanted to serve. It seems that the universe decided to intervene when I randomly came across a flyer on campus that said my school would be hosting a Kink Conference.

Needless to say, I was extremely intrigued. I had always been sex-positive and found that my lack of shyness made conversing about sex easy for me, so a conference like this appealed to me. I will never forget what it was like to sit in that space. First, I was introduced to the concept of non-monogamy. This was NEWS to me. I had never even considered that the option of having multiple partners was possible, and as I witnessed the Keynote speaker discuss her polyamorous relationship structure, I was left in awe. I then walked into a rope-tying course, and let me tell you, I was WAY out of my depth. I knew nothing about rigging, let alone the beautiful and rich history of tying within the kink community. That conference was the beginning of a journey of self-discovery. It was the start of my love story with kink. As I began integrating into the kink community, I recognized that many feelings were coming up for me that I couldn’t quite understand. It was as if there was this entire world that existed beyond my awareness, one where I belonged, and I had to grapple with the person I thought I was and who I truly was at my core.

At the time, I decided that seeking emotional support would be key in my growth process, but I had significant trouble finding a therapist who understood kink from a non-pathologizing perspective, and that is when I knew what I was meant to do. Filling that gap, and becoming a sex-positive kink therapist, became my mission. As I finished college with my eye on graduate school, I began immersing myself in kink knowledge (no, not reading 50 Shades of Grey). I ended up moving back home to LA and attended Pepperdine University, where I earned my Master’s in Clinical Psychology, followed by attaining licensure as a Marriage and Family Therapist. The final step and what truly allowed me to lean into this field was pursuing AASECT Sex Therapy Certification and my Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology, which I completed in 2022. I am so proud that I am living a life that feels so incredibly authentic, but even more, I am honored to work with a community that I hold so closely to my heart.

Would you say it’s been a smooth road, and if not what are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced along the way?
Not a day goes by that I do not recognize the ways in which my immense privilege has allowed me to have such a wonderful and fulfilling career. Having an incredibly supportive family, access to education, and the ability to pursue my goals is something I will forever be grateful for. That said, the road to where I am now has had its ups and downs. Being able to do work that I love is a gift, but access to this gift comes at a cost. Multiple times throughout my career, I have received pushback for advocating so strongly for the kink, and other erotically marginalized communities. I am fortunate to live in a city that embraces a wide array of identities, but it doesn’t stop the backlash from folks who feel that I, and my other kink-specializing colleagues, should be silenced. As I have begun the transition of moving my career from a private to a more public sphere, I am noticing more and more how important this work is to do.

Being told that I am “sick,” that I should lose my license, or that I am supporting “perversities” are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to community pushback. Further, there is an immense lack of educational opportunities when it comes to gaining knowledge in my field of specialty. Even throughout graduate school and through my internships, I had little to no support when it came to studying what I needed to be competent in this field. I have encountered numerous educators, supervisors, and fellow therapists who have subtly or not so subtly shared their disdain for my work and the community I serve. Kink is widely misunderstood, and the community deserves folks who are willing to advocate for them. As challenging as it may be, it remains a privilege to do just that.

As you know, we’re big fans of you and your work. For our readers who might not be as familiar what can you tell them about what you do?
When I attempt to describe what I do to people, it often gets confusing as I engage in my work in a variety of ways. Each facet of my work brings me a great deal of pride, as all areas I engage in stem from a deep and unwavering love for the communities I serve. The main part of my career is my work as a therapist. I opened my private practice in 2020, right as the world was shutting down. The dream of having a beautiful shared office space with trusted colleagues never came to fruition as my work went entirely online. Fortunately, I was able to create a lovely home office that me and my office mates (also known as my pups, Butters, and Winter) share. After obtaining my License in Marriage and Family Therapist, I became a Certified Sexologist through the American Board of Sexology and continued to earn my Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology and became a Certified Sex Therapist through the American Association for Sexuality Educations, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). In addition to this work, I have fallen in love with research.

In October of 2020, I began my journey as a Research Associate for The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance (TASHRA), where I have now spent years working alongside some of the most incredible and revolutionary kink researchers in the world. Around the time I joined TASHRA, I also began teaching kink-related coursework for therapists, hoping that I could provide some of the knowledge that I felt I was lacking in my educational journey. One of my biggest goals is to shift the licensing requirements for counseling professionals to include education around erotically diverse communities. In fact, my dissertation research topic was fueled by that passion! Currently, I am an Adjunct Professor at Antioch University- Seattle, where I teach Diversity in Sexual Expression, Advanced Theories in Sex Therapy, and Advanced Kink. While there are other sprinkles of writing, providing workshops, and creating content that goes into my career, the three pillars are my therapy practice, my research life, and my work as a professor. Overall, it is safe to say that my life is dedicated to this work, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

What were you like growing up?
Growing up, I think that most people would describe me as a good kid who LOVED to talk. I was never particularly loud; I just always wanted to be in conversation and loved learning. While I certainly was a more anxious learning child, I didn’t really get into trouble. I was social, played sports, loved anything creative, and my biggest passion was music. I grew up in a musical household as my mom is a piano teacher, and I began my musical journey at five years old when I, too, began to play piano. Throughout the course of my life, music has always remained a steady and active passion, although, in high school, I moved from a passion for playing music to a passion for singing it. With the exception of my two years at Pepperdine, I had been engaged in singing in some capacity at all times. While the pandemic resulted in a big shift in regard to my participation in community-related singing, it still remains one of my greatest sources of joy.

Contact Info:

• Website: www.healingwithelyssa.com
• Instagram: dr.elyssahelfer

Image Credits
Azzies Photography