Exploring Life & Business with Annette Oltmans of The MEND Project

Today we’d like to introduce you to Annette Oltmans.

Hi Annette, it’s an honor to have you on the platform. Thanks for taking the time to share your story with us – to start maybe you can share some of your backstory with our readers?
Looking back, I was unable to recognize what was happening while I was going through it. I had been married to my husband, Joe, for fifteen years. We had a difficult time communicating during conflicts throughout our entire marriage. Whenever I raised a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, Joe became defensive, and I found myself confused and stressed as the problem was turned around and labeled as my fault. At the time, I described these conflicts as never-ending circular conversations that lead to no solutions. The correct description of what I was dealing with was hidden forms of emotional abuse, or, to put it another way, covert emotional abuse (CEA). CEA includes behaviors like gaslighting, blame-shifting, minimization, catastrophizing, and more manipulative tactics to shift responsibility onto one while the other avoids accountability or responsibility. The stress had a significant impact on my mind and body. I developed Complex PTSD and autoimmune illnesses. We had been in therapy our entire marriage, yet no therapist correctly identified or named what was occurring. I was confused and highly stressed, which led me to react in ways that were out of character and contrary to my values. I was having trauma responses to conflicts, and my immune system was collapsing. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance approximately 13 times due to sudden drops in blood pressure and erratic blood sugar levels. Joe and I separated on our fifteenth wedding anniversary. During this time, I engaged in trauma therapy, and I read every book I could find on emotional abuse. It was a valuable learning time for me, even though my trauma symptoms were overwhelming at times. I discovered that there were not many resources available to educate and support individuals dealing with emotional trauma. The more I learned, the more I wanted to help others. I reflected on my personal experiences and research from scholarly articles and books. I began writing my own educational materials, which I intended to provide for free on a future website. About a year later, I founded The MEND Project, a 501(c)(3) organization created to fulfill my dream of building a robust website for victims who could not afford therapy or whose therapists were causing more harm than good. I learned that most therapists receive no training on domestic violence, emotional, or narcissistic abuse during their academic studies. To receive proper training, therapists would have to take continuing education voluntarily. We had sought the best therapeutic help we could find from three different licensed clinicians. They had authored books on marriage and came highly recommended. I had perceived each therapist to be knowledgeable, even though they were not, which made each session traumatic, confusing, and disappointing. My experience is not unique; many victims of emotional abuse report similar experiences with therapists whom they thought were adequately trained. After being separated for one year, I suggested to Joe that he embark on therapy with an abuse expert I learned about from a friend. My husband agreed, and he spent the following two years of our separation in intensive therapy. Change does not come easily. It took a long time to unpack his faulty beliefs and thinking patterns about how relationships should function. At the conclusion of three years, I had seen significant, longstanding evidence of change, and we were able to reconcile our marriage. We have now been happily married for the last ten years.

Alright, so let’s dig a little deeper into the story – has it been an easy path overall and if not, what were the challenges you’ve had to overcome?
It was not a smooth road to recovery. Before I learned that what I was experiencing qualified as covert emotional abuse, I reached out to the leaders of our couple’s Bible study for support. Rather than believe me, they criticized me, wrongly judged me, and issued ultimatums that were counterproductive and harmful. They told me that if I did not comply, I would never be invited back into the group. This experience, I define as double abuse, significantly exacerbated my trauma. I was shocked by their reactions and maltreatment toward me. We had a good relationship before my disclosure. We had traveled the world together and shared countless meals. From this experience, I learned how prevalent it was that individuals across numerous demographics do not understand what constitutes emotional abuse. I realized the hard way that I needed to shrink my circle of friends to solely those who were safe and compassionate. It’s hard for victims to heal in isolation. They need safe connections with people who validate their experiences.

Alright, so let’s switch gears a bit and talk business. What should we know?
At The MEND Project, we provide a comprehensive website with countless blog articles, tools, and resources to help survivors and responders learn about various forms of manipulation and abuse. We simplify complicated topics so that survivors can gain clarity. Clarity is the first necessary step to healing. We offer virtual courses for survivors and people helpers, and we partner with the American Psychological Association and the Institute on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, where we deliver a course providing continuing education hours to licensed clinicians. What sets us apart is our groundbreaking content, teaching models, and visual tools that help survivors easily retain the information provided. We initially spent four years conducting in-person training where we beta-tested different content and modalities so we could understand what resonated best with our audiences. We follow best practices in trauma-informed language and care. We offer monthly private group coaching calls for those who have questions and need answers. Our website is beautiful and light, which partners well with our compassionate approach. Our language is straightforward and accurate, while at the same time, it is supportive and non-judgmental.

So maybe we end on discussing what matters most to you and why?
One of the main reasons I founded The MEND Project was because of the severe impact trauma has on the mind and body. Victims/survivors are vulnerable and often lack support. Many have developed PTSD or Complex PTSD. Their bodies are breaking down from prolonged states of high stress, and their cognitive thinking becomes compromised, causing added difficulty making decisions. They have been beaten down emotionally for many months, years, or decades and are often consumed with self-doubt. They need a supportive community to validate them and believe in their story to heal best. Many have been in therapy with well-meaning clinicians, where they received misguided feedback and advice. Graduates of our courses regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional treatment.

We, at The MEND Project, love to provide them with that support, education, and validation.

Pricing:

• Free Virtual Monthly Workshops
• Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships, a virtual, self-paced course for victims is $59. Scholarships are available.
• Monthly Restore Coaching calls $10/month or $80/year
• Course for those responding to abuse victims $150
• 9.5 CE Credit Course sanctioned by The American Psychological Association for licensed clinicians responding to abuse is $299

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.themendproject.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themendproject/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/themendproject
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/mend-project
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@themendproject

Image Credits
The headshot and teaching photos were taken by a volunteer photographer, we have the rights but there were several photographers that day and we’re not sure which one took those photos.