Today we’d like to introduce you to Shelly Stover
Hi Shelly, please kick things off for us with an introduction to yourself and your story.
I am a therapist who specializes in working with couples and maternal mental health. A lot of the work I do focuses on intimacy struggles during big life changes (things like pregnancy, career stress, or grief). It took me a while to find this work. I think I had to get to know myself more before I realized this was what I wanted to do.
Like many people, it was the stillness of the pandemic that allowed me enough mental space to register that I wanted to change careers. I spent the last decade relishing my role as a Mom and working part-time doing various jobs as a doula, childbirth educator, and actress. When the pandemic hit I was beginning to pursue work as a writer. I had written a novel and a couple of scripts. My daughters were older and needed me less and this was a wonderful thing because I needed more of me and writing is a genius way to be with yourself. I was trying to figure out what I could do with my time to create more value in people’s lives that went deeper than the childbirth work (and certainly the acting I had done) but over time I started to realize that I would enjoy writing more as a hobby instead of a career. Being a therapist had been on my list of possible careers ever since I was little and here I was thinking about it again.
Looking back I see how everything was leading to becoming a therapist. With acting and writing I was able to deeply empathize with other people’s stories and understand behavior which is so much of the work of therapy. I did a lot of improv for years and this was a real education on flexibility and finding the capacity to integrate listening to other people while also honoring my own creative instincts. I use my improv background to meet clients where they are, on that specific day, given all the goals we have set for our sessions. When I worked as a doula and childbirth educator I was able to provide education and support that helped people make informed decisions and find agency during a defining moment in their life. I understand how to work with people on their desire to become pregnant (or not) and process the impact of the birth and demands of parenthood on their identity and relationships. My work life leading up to the pandemic was a rich foundation inching me towards becoming a therapist, so I enrolled in grad school.
What I didn’t expect was what a gift going to grad school would be. An education is a space of self-subjectivity that can be found while contemplating theories, concepts, and ideas from not only foundational texts but also your professors and classmates. I made the most out of every class and paper. It was exhilarating to have the opportunity to reflect on my own history and relationship patterns while learning about psychological theories and building a clinical mind.
Now that I’m working as a therapist I feel my life expanding. I’m giving presentations and working on community education programs. Right before going to school I hosted a few comedy fundraisers with sex therapists and comedians where I would give an anatomy lesson and comedians would talk about their bodies. I feel at home doing presentations. This November, I’m giving a talk about grief and loss in Motherhood in Atlanta at a conference called Mom Talks thanks to my friend and colleague Dr. Jessica Zucker recommending me (her work is worth looking up, it’s so inspiring). Also, last year I spoke about sex positivity and birth at the National Sex Ed conference. The two community education programs I’m working on with colleagues are for postpartum couples and another about media literacy for families. I’m passionate about helping families deepen their understanding of healthy connections to eachother and the world. I was really into speech and Debate in high school and delighted in teaching childbirth education so this feels like I’m returning to a beloved space when an opportunity to give a presentation arises. But I know presentations and community education are not the same as therapy.
I see therapy as a very sacred experience. It provides clients a space to reflect on their self-subjectivity (their ideas, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, worries, experiences, dreams, habits, frustrations, and history). Walking through someone else’s life next to them and holding space for anything and everything is a privilege. I’ve seen couples learn to communicate better and find safety with one another and watched clients relate to themselves with more insight and acceptance. Therapy works and it’s incredibly rewarding to witness people transform.
Can you talk to us a bit about the challenges and lessons you’ve learned along the way. Looking back would you say it’s been easy or smooth in retrospect?
It has not been a smooth road and I am grateful for all the bruises. You end up unpeeling your own life and dumping out the contents when you do this work and that can be extremely painful (and rewarding). I remember asking my own therapist if I was supposed to figure all of my stuff out before working as a therapist (the answer of course was “no”). There have been some major growth edges for me in facing my self-doubt that have to do with how my history impacts my capacity to believe in myself. Yet, I do fundamentally trust my ability to practice this work with clients. Not that I can see what’s right for someone else, but that I can be with someone, maybe point out a few weeds in their garden and let them decide if they need to pull them out. Owning that internal knowing that I have the ability to be with other people has been a process and in many ways continues to be one.
I’m noticing how layered healing is. Each time I have attended training for a new modality after grad school, I think ‘Oh this is the answer’ and in many ways they are the answer. There are different paths toward nervous system regulation and that is often what modalities and interventions are working towards. Our nervous systems can become dysregulated for many different reasons. Not every client on any given day needs the same thing. Neither do I, but my goodness we have found a lot of ways to be with ourselves and others when experiencing stress. What a lucky time to be alive! There are so many resources out there.
Recently, I’ve been researching Christopher Germer’s work on mindful self-compassion and I’m thinking a lot about how you can regulate your nervous system with self-compassion. It’s this soup of warmth and understanding that you are good and you can be with yourself when experiencing something hard. When you find the somatic qualities of self-compassion it’s really comforting and beautiful. This is something I need in my personal life and yet I can see how this transfers over to my work with clients too. I have so much compassion for people. There is a feeling of ease, warmth, delight, attunement, and safety I aim to provide to myself that I hope my clients feel invited to experience in session and with themselves. Germer talks about compassion being love meeting suffering and I feel that is the sacred space of therapy. I like to dive into deep work with clients that can cut to the root of what is bringing them in and let them know they are not alone there. This is possible because I have not had a smooth road in my own life. I don’t have the answer, the client does, so let’s go find it together. I am a glorious work in progress and so is everyone.
Thanks – so what else should our readers know about your work and what you’re currently focused on?
Initially, I thought I’d be a therapist for Moms (and I am), but I also have a variety of different clients. With my background in childbirth, I have been enjoying working with couples who are expecting a child or are postpartum, as well as people who are pregnant or Moms who are experiencing burnout. Working with clients around pregnancy becomes a space of preventative care and it’s rewarding because the work we are doing can impact their family and potentially future generations. Some of my clients aren’t sure if they want to have children and that is a part of what we are exploring in our sessions. I have also had clients coming in who are going through career frustrations and we work to collectively design a life that fits their various roles and long-term goals. Some clients are just coming to therapy because they are stressed out or working on understanding how to be their authentic self with others. Many of my clients struggle with setting and holding boundaries, second-guessing their decisions, people pleasing, struggle with intimacy, are going through some type of loss, have anxiety, and are in distress over a relationship in their life. In short, I work with people who are struggling in their relationships and this often includes Moms, Dads, and birthing people.
I work using a lot of theories, but I find that attachment is often at the base of how I approach clients. This means working with them to understand ways to soothe themselves and how they have learned to seek the care they need from others. There is this beautiful space of exploring your history while doing some inner child work and understanding what you need now or needed back then, which can be a healing territory to plant seeds in with clients. Becoming aware of the sensations in your body related to this can deepen the experience. Sometimes this is very simple work and other times it comes when talking through something extremely painful. Life is going to have a lot of challenges and therapy can often focus on strategies to be present with yourself when it is hard.
I am the most proud of working with clients on areas of their lives they feel ashamed of and building a bridge towards self-acceptance. It has been a really sticky place to venture into and I welcome the work and can hold the space that allows normalization and for them to feel seen. So much of therapy is about learning to receive and trust ourselves and then taking this open yet boundaried understanding of ourselves into our relationships. I have witnessed couples do this in front of me and it has left me in awe. Do you see what I mean? This is sacred work.
Are there any apps, books, podcasts, blogs or other resources you think our readers should check out?
I am currently reading this giant 600-page attachment book by Dan Brown and it’s so well written. I always have an audiobook going as well. Right now I’m making my way through The Body Keeps The Score, which I can’t believe I haven’t read yet. I often listen to Esther Perel’s podcast, and some EFT podcasts and have watched Couples Therapy which always inspires me and wakes my brain up to this work. I’ll make note of the interventions they are using and let myself wander into my own theoretical questions.
Trainings are also incredibly inspiring and impactful. They help me expand and mold the work I’m doing and when I need to understand something more or continue to grow in a certain area I know that there is a wide gamut of continuing education waiting. I’m trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, the Trauma Resilience Model (somatic work), Perinatal Mood disorders with Postpartum Support International, and Internal Family Systems with Frank Anderson. I’d like to do more training in all of these. I am working my way through an Integrative Couples Therapy training right now with Tammy Nelson that I can do at my own pace and it’s been really enjoyable. Therapists can piece together their interests and further their education after graduate school which is really lovely and exciting because doing this work means you are committing to always learning.
I’m a big fan of having mentors and I feel really lucky to have found some incredible ones along the way from the woman who taught me childbirth education (Ana Paula Markel), to a professor in my graduate school program (Dr. Stephen Southern), to my supervisor at my community clinic (Kellum Lewis), to a supervisor who specializes in somatic therapy (Leah Smith) and my current supervisor (Aurisha Smolarski). I worked at a depth-based community clinic called Counseling West and my supervisor Kellum was so formative and really set a solid foundation for conceptualizing clients and understanding what therapy is. I was also supervised by Leah Smith who deepened my understanding of somatic therapy. She is gifted. Somatic work is like magic, in many ways you don’t even have to touch on the specifics of the trauma to do some of the work and you really do feel differently afterward. It helped me understand how to do somatic interventions with clients. I don’t hesitate to connect to any of these mentors when I find I need something or have a question. My current supervisor is really talented in understanding dynamics in couples work and I’m learning a lot from her and so grateful.
I also have friends and family that I talk to regularly. I think the relationships in our life are resources and it’s a gift to have different people to turn to and process emotions and experiences. We need others. I have a lot of hands on my back and feel overwhelmed by the depth of gratitude I feel for being able to do this work with the support I have in my life. I am not alone and perhaps that’s a huge part of my work as a therapist. To travel to tender parts of clients’ lives with them and let them know, wherever they are, wherever they’ve been, they are not alone.
Pricing:
- $200/individuals
- $225/couples
- I also offer a sliding scale
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.shellystover.com/
- Instagram: shelly.stover.therapist
- Other: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/shelly-stover-los-angeles-ca/1246644
Image Credits
Photos of Shelly by Rhys Stover
