Today we’d like to introduce you to Leo Goodmanson
Hi Leo, we’d love for you to start by introducing yourself.
My story…
I was born in Long Beach, Ca. After my 7 month pregnant mom was in a car accident and hit three times. I was delivered breech, C-section with bilateral hip dysplasia (both hips were dislocated from my body). I spent the first 6 moths of my life in a cast from my chest to my ankles, and told that I was most likely not going to be able to walk.
By some miracle, I was able not only to walk but to play sports and cultivate a very active childhood. Body mechanics did not come easily to me, I was retrained to run with opposite legs and arms vs what felt natural to me, lifting both right leg and arm and shifting unilaterally.
This disconnection from my body continued. While I was able to connect through soccer and other sports, I was suffering a lot with a dysfunctional family body dysphoria and clinical anxiety and depression.
Signs started in elementary school, my anxiety manifested as stomach issues and I would constantly have stomach aches and throw up.
After countless doctors, exams, sucidal ideations, therapies, and years of pain and discomfort in my body where any emotion, anger, sadness, joy or even excitement would cause me to throw up. Eventually forcing me to drop out of college —where I was studying to become a therapist— and landed me hospitalized, receiving at least three IV lines a day.
At this point it felt like my whole life blew up. The things that I had worked for, the life I had imaged for myself, my ability to be productive felt like they had all washed away. I was also coming to terms with my sexuality so the idea of a “picture perfect” heterosexual idea of life meant that I would have to subdue myself or it was no longer a possibility for me. I held a lot of internalized shame and fear for a long time, exasperating my physical symptoms.
After being released from the hospital, and two months of not being able to hold down food or water, I started to reflect on my life.
What I remember thinking was “Whatever I have been doing for the past 19 years has not been living.” When I started to regain strength, I began taking the donation based yoga classes held in long beach every day at the bluff. Over some time I started connecting to my physical body in a way I had never felt before. There was moments of peace that I could create. I started to understood what it meant to be grateful.
The feelings were so strong and pure that I knew I needed to get certified and share the tools that saved me.
In 2017, a year later I sent myself to Bali for a month long Yoga teacher training. I had never been out of the country, let alone, alone. The feeling inside me was still guiding me to do it, and I felt the sensations of nerves come up, but I wasn’t throwing up like I had done for years.
The immersive training was so transformative for me that I left feeling lighter, connected, more optimistic. I was able to open myself up, look inward, cry and let other people hold space for me. My family did not recognize the me that returned. They were caught of guard by my patience, appreciation and the way I was speaking about love and light. Although I was still unable to think about even five years into the future, my entire life has shifted for the better.
Two years later my teacher from Bali a couple years prior, asked me to come back out for a 1-1 training experience. The only thing she told me in order to prepare was “less is more”.
I flew myself there and experienced 11 days of a two on one intensive training in the middle of the jungle of Les Valley. I was provided a hut with a roof with no walls, a bed and a mosquito net. They gave me food from the land and we showered in the spring water. There was a strict schedule, 1 hour breath work, 2 hour asana (vinyasa flow), many hours of isolation and distractionlessness, 1 hour breathwork, 2 hour asana (yin). Repeat. It was the most challenging and hardest experiences of my life.
The training was called -Yoga is Medicine- and it genuinely instilled in me the power of presence, feeling, acceptance, and of simply being.
When I returned I shifted back into my old negative patterns for a moment, negative self talk and I unstable mentally. For some reason there was still a sensation of numb, self hate and hopelessness.
I finally came out as non binary, which felt like a huge weight off of my chest and not at the same time. I asked for my pronouns not to change, because for my they/them felt too impersonal. Being called she was triggering but looking like a “girl” and being called he/him also did not do it for me. I was told I was too feminine, too pretty, too petite to ever really look like a guy. After a while, people forgot and I continued being seen for what they saw me as, and I assumed the role.
The pandemic hit and I started to feel even more doom. I lost touch of my yoga and meditation practice and felt disconnected again.
Then it all rose to the surface. The thing that I had been repressing, judging, shaming, shoved its way to the forefront of my mind and I couldn’t think about anything else. I was, and had always been a trans person. I finally got up the courage to research trans people and hormones and surgeries. I had never let myself do that before because I was scared that I would relate too much, and I really did not want to be trans. As soon as I looked up the first before and after top surgery photos I broke down and cried to my sister, still very much praying that this was no my reality.
Later that week I opened up to my girlfriend and with her support, I broke down entirely, feelings coming up that had been locked away.
It all started to add up, signs of childhood dysphoria, memories of me as a young kid saying “if there was a machine to turn me into a boy, I would”, I also remember being reprimanded for it. All the times I asked to be in boyscouts rather than girlscouts, how I always was the boy in play pretend, how I wished I could go shirtless with trunks to the beach, how I hated wearing dresses and putting on makeup, how I really did not want to be in a sorority (but yes… I was Alpha Phi), how I hated my hips more than anythings and I wished clothes fit me like they fit boys bodies. It wall made sense why in a gender & sexuality class in college I was so uncomfortable when gender came up. And how in the back of mind I was always thinking that my life would be better if I was a guy.
The realizations of all my survival tactics, why I was always sick and throwing up, why I questioned my own decisions and intuition, why I was insecure despite people telling to think otherwise.
There was no other option than to physically transition once I had accepted the fact that this is and has always been my truth.
That turned out to be a much more time consuming, challenging, emotional and vulnerable process than I could have ever imagined. I was denied multiple times for access to testosterone, as well as top surgery despite the fact that I had letters written by therapists and good insurance.
When I was officially approved for top surgery, my girlfriend created a go fund me and we raised enough money to cover the entire surgery since it was not covered by insurance. It was such a huge overwhelming feeling to understand the emotional and financial support my community and loved ones had given me.
It gave me the hope and confidence to share my story and be open about my experience, joys and struggles.
I had to fully cocoon and process. I wanted to be present for the changes in my body. To make space to feel and melt away the years of disconnection.
I did not have the emotional or psychical energy to do anything. When I work or leave the house I was constantly misgendered or questioned. I felt ugly and in limbo.
After about a year of what felt like isolation, I was ready to dream about my life for the first time. I felt tingles of excitement thinking about the life my partner and I would build together. A life that I felt affirmed, strong, respected, valued, and creatively fulfilled.
I remembered my passion of holistic healing and signed up for massage school at National Holistic Institute. I learned a lot about anatomy and eastern healing practices but was so overwhelmed by gender binary within the education and how uncomfortable I was (still pre top surgery) being touched or perceived.
After I got surgery and was healed enough to participate in life again it felt like I had a new lease on life! The immense feelings of gratitude and self love started pouring in and I was finally ready to be seen.
All of the sudden I was set on a track that aligns with me completely.
I honed in my hands on somatic body work as a flexologist at StretchLab and feel confident, powerful and a safe space for clients.
In the past few years I have continued my education, getting certified as a breath work and meditation teacher, sound healer and yoga nidra facilitator.
I am so thankful to be able to have all of these modalities in my tool belt to be able to share with others. I am thankful that I have an audience that sees my worth and wants me to thrive. I am so thankful that I was born trans and spent 25 years of my life seen and socialized as a women because It has given me empathy and perspective. I am thankful that I don’t need a label to define me, that I can just live my truth. I am thankful that I am alive and able to share my story today.
I see the value in my life and appreciate the lens I view it thru. I think that it makes me good artist and human.
My story doesn’t end here, I hope to create art and share love and gratitude forever. I believe in focusing on what connects us rather than separates us.
I will always offer a gentle reminder to breathe.
Much gratitude
-wow wow wow that was a lot, I hope not too much!!
We all face challenges, but looking back would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
I wouldn’t say it’s been a smooth road at all. Many bumps and many road blocks .
I would say my biggest challenge in my life is coming back to my truth. After years of denying my own intuition and feelings, I started to live for others only. I lacked self love or care at all.
A huge challenge in my life is/was my relationship with mental health, physical illness and throwing up. I struggle with internalized transphobia.
I had an idea of my life, like most of us do, based off of stories and movies we consume about love and life.
My life has pretty much been the opposite of what I anticipated, I am not with my high school boyfriend, I did not graduate from a 4 year university, I don’t have a “normal” 9-5 job, I am queer and I am trans, we lived thru a pandemic, the list can go on.
A struggle in speaking my truth is taking up space which is hard to do after years of being conditioned to be small.
My responses to struggle are “Challenge is natures way to strengthen”, “you have survived 100% of your days”
Thanks – so what else should our readers know about your work and what you’re currently focused on?
I am a creative thru and thru.
I do fine line drawings, paintings, block printing, and mutlimedia work.
I am most proud of my first wood art collection. I also recently acted in a short film for the first time!
My favorite thing to do is find wood pieces in alleys or on the side of road, sand it down and use it as a canvas. I love this because its sustainable and each one is unique.
I remember how impressed I was when I finished the first one. I thought “wow, I really am an artist”. I just let myself feel and produce and it is about 3ftx2ft and I used acrylic paint, pens and nails. Its an abstract painting of a humanoid figure with boobs and a mustache. I finished this piece almost a year before I came out as trans. Now, I look at that piece like a self portrait.
I would say I am known for the “prolific” nature of my work. People admire the uniqueness and often feel some emotion or though evoked when looking at it.
I am super excited, on 1/21/25 I will be having my first solo art show at Watch Me Sports Bar in Long beach, shameless plug!
I also work as a somatic body worker and teach yoga (ashtanga and yin), yoga nidra, breath work and meditation. I work as a freelance practitioner and most often go to peoples homes for 1on1 sessions. I also do a lot of donation based work with the community and love to provide accessible yoga classes and sound baths meditations.
I also do yoga + coffee+ clean ups which is a donation based event where I teach yoga ( to connect with yourself),. Then we mingle and enjoy coffee from a local coffee shop( connect to the community) , and then all clean up the beach or park together ( connect to the earth). I provide bags and gloves and limited grabbers. All are welcome!
I think my perspective and experiences in life set me apart from others. Just as much anyone else’s perspective brings something different and unique to the table.
I am very empathetic and in tune with energy. I feel weird claiming it but often people tell me that I have a gift whether if its through art or though healing. Both things come so naturally to me and have been with me my whole life, even when I was dissociated and did not see a future. So I use that as a reminder to trust, to continue doing what fulfills me and allows me to connect to other humans with love, vulnerability and gratitude.
What makes you happy?
Being seen, loved and accepted
Laughing
Creating
being in water
Making coffee
going on bike rides
spending quality time with my partner
seeing my partner accomplish her goals
Playing cards and connecting with friends
Having my feet in the sand and looking at the beach, especially at sunset!
Being in nature in general. A waterfall makes me very happy.
Witnessing someone feel relaxed and safe in their body.
Creating space for someone to feel and express.
seeing others laugh, smile, hug, dance
Good food makes me happy
my nephew
Giving and receiving physical tough
Anything related to love
Why? I guess because all of those things bring me back to good sensations in my body.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://inhaleindigohealing.com
- Instagram: @exhale_leo & @inhale_indigo
