Life & Work with Bree Mays of La Mirada

Today we’d like to introduce you to Bree Mays.

Hi Bree, thanks for sharing your story with us. To start, maybe you can tell our readers some of your backstory.
I’m a Seattle native, born and raised. The more time I spend away the more I like to begin my story with that. I’m prouder to be from where I’m from these days. I’m proud of the “Seattle freeze”, proud of the polite, honkless, way we drive, proud of our frank honesty. I think it’s made a difference in my story and in the makeup of who I’m becoming.

I came to California for college. I wanted to pursue acting and performance art. That’s all I ever loved as a child and young adult. But my father told me he would only pay for a four year degree. So I chose to pause my dreams of studying in a New York Conservatory and attended Biola University, a conservative Christian University in La Mirada California studying film. I had grown up Christian, but I do think attending this school killed whatever evangelical streak I had left in me- that and coming to terms with my queerness.

Out of college I worked in the film industry as Creative Assistant for a year, and then transitioned to doing marketing and social media for a church in Brea California. I did not know that decision would change the trajectory of my life. But seven months after starting my position, in walked my now partner, daughter of the head pastor. She was returning from a gap year in London, working as a worship intern at a church in Watford. We were skeptical of each other at first, I found her pretentious, specifically when it came to music and worship leading. She found me brash and sarcastic and harsh. But we quickly started working together, heading up the college ministry. Three months later we were confessing our love to each other on my bedroom floor. “I just don’t think I’d ever really like to be without you…” I told her. She was quiet for awhile before she finally whispered, “So what we do?”

We dated in secret for a year and a half. We didn’t have any other options financially or emotionally. As much bitterness as we hold now, we did love the people of that church. If my sexuality got in that way of that, so be it. But all I ever held for those people was love.

We came out on March 8th, 2024. Sophie told her mom over coffee and called me sobbing. Her father gave her the option to stay with me and leave their house and church or leave me and everything could stay as it was. She left her home to live with me the next day. I never set foot on the church campus again. We were quickly and quietly fired. A few months later they had an ex-lesbian come and speak to the congregation, I think to remind the congregation- the ones who missed us and were angry about our firing- that we were ultimately choosing a life of sin. And this is why we had to be sent away.

The year that followed was probably the most painful one of my life. Coming out to my parents went similarly, my father telling me he refused to accept Sophie as my partner and would keep praying that I found a nice male partner that I could properly love. I threw up outside their house after. I remember screaming that I hated Christians, I hated them.

I don’t share those sentiments today. I try not to hate that much these days. I try to remind myself that how I was treated was not fair or deserved- but people who are living in the kind of fear that evangelicalism inspires…. well they are only doing what they truly think they must do. Not an excuse, it’s just the reality. I try to feel detached from it all now, but I still have mornings where I stare at the ceiling and think over every detail.

As much as I can, I’ve put down what’s happened on paper, into song, into paintings. In crisis, I get to work. It’s how I was raised. I used to better at wallowing, now I just move and move and move. Some of this is avoidance and some of this is healthy. That’s just the truth.

I started a Substack to keep track of it all. I call it The Soap Box, because it was often a cruel remark used against me at Biola when I would speak on things I was passionate about. Oh, she’s on her soapbox again. Yes, indeed, she is! I started a book club at the beginning of that September because me and my partner were so cripplingly lonely. The church was our community, our family. And now we just had each other. The book club stills runs today, a small group of women in my living room. The current members are some of my closest friends.

The book club was the first sense of- oh, I can create the spaces I want to be in! Spurred on from that I started Access Collective. It started as a small group on Facebook similar to Buy Nothing, but for lending goods as well. I wanted to inspire access to things over ownership. I then had the idea to host a free yard sale in my backyard. Bring what you have, trade for what you need was the idea. I called it Swap N’ Meet. We just had our third one this summer and it was our biggest yet with 30 people squished into my backyard. We’re hoping to reserve a space in my local park for our September swap and hopefully have another great turn out.

Me and my partner are starting our own band this month as well. We’re putting out our first single and having a backyard show to play through some more of the songs we hope to release. Each song was written during our time in secret and coming out. I want to put them all together in an album to honor us really, and our love that made it out. I know many loves probably wouldn’t have.

This is where I’m at right now. Heavy, healing, working, resting, loving, creating, touching a lot of grass. Writing, writing, writing. I appreciate opportunities like this, to tell my story, my way, in my voice. There aren’t many chances like that.

Would you say it’s been a smooth road, and if not what are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced along the way?
The main obstacle I’ve faced is probably my own resistance to the things which I cannot change. I’ve always struggled with acceptance. It’s hard to accept that my children may not have grandparents. It’s hard to accept every time my partner goes home for Christmas and they invite her brother’s partner and not me. It’s hard to accept that our love is going to, for a long time, bring us a lot of pain and sacrifice.

But I think once you figure out how to accept, you feel a sense of release. I’m a fighter at heart. That’s what I do in danger. I’m naturally inclined to believe that you can always change your circumstances if you work hard enough. And to some extent, I’m grateful to be postured this way. However, there are certain circumstances that aren’t yours to change. I cannot change my parent’s or my partner’s parents. I can’t change their lifelong devotion to a God that demands they sacrifice their relationship with their daughters. I can only control my own life, my own care for my children, if I’m blessed enough to have them. I can only fill them with every ounce of love I had saved up to give to others who didn’t want it.

As you know, we’re big fans of you and your work. For our readers who might not be as familiar what can you tell them about what you do?
I specialize in writing and songwriting. I am probably most well known for my song “Friends” which is the first queer song I ever wrote. I think that song is very tender and special to me, because it is the first song to show a real shift in the maturity of my writing. The songs that come after it are the kind that come from the gut and I’m very proud of them.

I also write on Substack as I mentioned. Both creative pieces, personal essay, and critical articles. I’m currently working on a short story via Substack, inspired by me and my partners story, that tells the story of two women in Central London in the 70s. It’s told through the lens of a younger brother, who watches the women falling in love over the course of months while his parents are away for work.

I think what sets me a part is that… well I think I have been given a lot of battles in my life. Maybe a more hopeful way to say that is I have experienced a lot of things. I’ve walked through a lot of pain and survived. From homophobia, to racism, to chronic pain from a childhood injury, and so on. But one of the best things you can do for your writing is just to experience life. Experience humanity. Luckily for me, I haven’t had to try that hard. My battle is staying open to knew, kinder experience and not letting past ones rob me of more life.

How can people work with you, collaborate with you or support you?
There are a lot of ways! As far as collaboration, I put on a lot of accessible, low budget events through Access Collective like Swap N’ Meet and Supper Club. If you have an org that does similar work or you want to get involved with us, follow us on instagram and reach out to me through there! Our handle is @accesscollectiveocla.

If you want to support my creative work you can find me on Substack at The Soap Box by Bree Mays. Paid subscriptions help me pay the bills but free subscriptions help me stay inspired to keep writing for you all. Musically, you can find me on all streaming platforms under my name.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://substack.com/@obreemays
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/obreemays/?hl=en
• Other: Tik tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thesoapboxtalks