Jezebel LaDoll shared their story and experiences with us recently and you can find our conversation below.
Hi Jezebel , thank you so much for joining us today. We’re thrilled to learn more about your journey, values and what you are currently working on. Let’s start with an ice breaker: What is something outside of work that is bringing you joy lately?
Something outside of work that brings me joy lately is, hanging out with my husband. He’s my best-friend. We’re always laughing, dancing around, and are just happy. Finding your favorite person in this big world, is such an amazing feeling. It’s hard to find. I feel extremely lucky. I live with a Dissociative Identity Disorder, which can be difficult, due to memory issues. My husband always manages to make jokes, not in a cruel way, but in a way that makes it easier to live with, if that makes sense. Life’s easier when you can laugh at yourself.
Can you briefly introduce yourself and share what makes you or your brand unique?
My name is Jezebel LaDoll. I am diagnosed with C-PTSD, as well as DID (dissociative identity disorder). I can only work part-time due to my disorder, so in order to keep myself accountable and keep busy, I make content on social media on my down-time. My goal is to teach people that your traumas or diagnosis don’t define you. Teach how to take accountability for traumas incurred by making bad decisions or choices, that it’s ok. It happens. Teach others how to move on from their traumas using humor, etc. I also want to educate on how trauma affects your brain, because yes, while trauma does make you stronger, if you go through enough of it, trauma can cause brain damage.
Appreciate your sharing that. Let’s talk about your life, growing up and some of topics and learnings around that. Who saw you clearly before you could see yourself?
The person who saw me clearly before I could see myself, was my husband. Due to all my traumas, I began using heroin. I used heroin for about a year and a half. When I met my husband, I was deep into addiction. I knew that if I didn’t get clean, I would have nothing to offer him, I don’t know a single sober person who would actively choose to enter a relationship with a “junkie”. So, I decided to get clean. A lot of people will say that getting clean for someone else won’t work, that you have to get clean for yourself, or you won’t stay clean. I believe that if you get clean for someone else, it can work. Though, you must work on yourself during your recovery, such as make positive changes, acknowledge your mistakes, go to therapy etc. I’ve been clean for 12 years, and have healed so much that I don’t ever see myself going back to using again. Sometimes, it does help to have someone love you, and see the real you that is still there somewhere, for YOU yourself to finally see it, too … and then begin to love yourself once again, as well.
Was there ever a time you almost gave up?
Yes, they’re definitely was a time when I almost gave up. Actually, I didn’t almost give up. I did give up. During, 2013-2016 all my traumas snowballed, my mental health deteriorated, I didn’t see myself coming back from that. I started using heroin intravenously, I went from 0-100, hoping and assuming that it would take me out, since I had absolutely no tolerance. I wanted to die. I figured that through an overdose, it would be the easiest way to go. But, here I am, it surprisingly didn’t take me out. I’m happy to still be here. It obviously wasn’t my time to go, so now I’m just trying to figure out WHY I’m still here, and try to make the most out of the time I still have.
Alright, so if you are open to it, let’s explore some philosophical questions that touch on your values and worldview. Is the public version of you the real you?
Is the public version of me actually the real me?!?! On social media?! Yes. I feel like the screen is a divide that allows me to be myself. But, in the public-public, like at work?! Nope, ABSOLUTELY NOT. For example, while at work, I try to be super friendly, outgoing, hard working, and most importantly, NORMAL and COMPETENT. I am masking so hard to at least, TRY to appear normal and competent, but due to my DID, I’m a nervous wreck. I know I’m dissociated from extent to another, and I don’t have control over the extent, and at times it’s extreme. I don’t realize how extreme, until I realize I didn’t remember the entire day, or when situations occur when I don’t know what costumer I helped, or at times I don’t know my co-workers names. So honestly, most of the time, I don’t know what’s actually going on, or who am I presenting, It’s wild, I just have to pray and hope that I’m being “normal” (so to speak) as possible.
Before we go, we’d love to hear your thoughts on some longer-run, legacy type questions. What do you understand deeply that most people don’t?
Something I understand deeply that most people don’t, is that many people don’t care about others. They’ll do whatever they can to get ahead, whether it’s moral or not, or whether it’s legal or not. The older I get the more I realize this. That’s why it’s really important to make wise choices on who you keep around and who you associate with. Who you decide to keep around you is one of the most important decisions you can ever make in your life.
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