Today we’d like to introduce you to Eli Lawliet.
Alright, so thank you so much for sharing your story and insight with our readers. To kick things off, can you tell us a bit about how you got started?
When I was 23 years old, I found a book in a library in Tulsa, Oklahoma, all about gender theory. It spoke to me in a way and on a level, I had never experienced before. I was raised in a small town in Southwest Missouri, and my family was very conservative. At the time, I didn’t even know that transgender was a thing that existed. In the years after I found that book, I learned a lot more about sex and gender and about the transgender community as well. It took me years of personal reflection to claim my own transgender identity and years after that to start medical transition and finally feel affirmed in my body. All throughout that time, I was researching and learning as much as I could about transgender identity and transgender experiences. I wrote research papers on the specific forms of racism that harm Black trans folx in community college, and after transferring to UCLA, I published original research on trans men’s treatment in prison. I also started researching trans people’s experiences with healthcare providers, even as I was experiencing my own medical transition. I knew that I wanted to do something with my life that would make the world a better place for my community. When I graduated from UCLA, I assumed that I should play to my strengths and get a PhD so that I could conduct research that would lead to better policies. I chose to obtain my PhD from Berkeley.
During my second year at Berkeley, I had to decide whether or not I wanted to get a JD in addition to my PhD. Doing so would have made it almost mandatory (financially) to practice law and/or to get a very high-paying position, most likely in a law school. I agonized over this choice, working hard to get my law school application prepared while privately terrified that I was making the wrong move. That winter, I heard a podcast episode where a full-spectrum birth doula named Erica Livingston spoke about the role of doulas and the work they do. She said something profound, which was that “we need a doula for every threshold in life.” In that moment, I was completely thunderstruck by the idea that the world needed doulas for gender transition. I thought it would be great if someone would do that work, but I didn’t think it was possible that I could sustain myself doing it. As I inched closer to the decision deadline regarding law school, and as my dissatisfaction with academia increased, I couldn’t stop thinking about the idea of a transition doula. I started talking to people about it, and every person I told just…lit up. They were so excited and interested in the idea, and folks kept telling me it would be the perfect job for me. At that time, I was working with a trans bodyworker to help with trauma healing, and whenever I really got in touch with the core of myself, all I could hear was transition doula.
When I started sharing the idea with friends who didn’t identify as trans, I was shocked by how many times I heard, “Actually…I think I would benefit from working with a doula.” After some time and consideration, I realized that “gender doula” was the clearest name for what I had in mind. I also realized that gender doulas were primarily for trans people but that many people who don’t identify as trans would benefit from support as well. I knew that I had found the path for me, but I needed time to prepare. I also wasn’t ready to give up on my PhD, although I did turn down my law school acceptances. I contacted Erica Livingston and she invited me to be a part of the doula mentorship that she and her doula partner, Laura Interlandi, were holding. With their thoughtful mentorship and support, as well as the support of all the doulas in my mentorship group, I started to see The Gender Doula as a reality and not just a pipe dream. 2020 has been a wild and unpredictable year for all of us. However, I was able to qualify as a PhD candidate and move back to LA after three years in the bay. I am working on my dissertation but have also been starting my business at the same time. Doing both at once is extremely challenging at times, but the rewards are immense. As I am able to add more clients and see the measurable positive impact that my services have, I know more and more fully why I chose this path for myself.
Alright, so let’s dig a little deeper into the story – has it been an easy path overall and if not, what were the challenges you’ve had to overcome?
In some ways, it has been an incredibly smooth road. For example, I have so much knowledge I’ve gained over the past decade or so, I feel like I have a great deal to offer. Although I usually get a bit of anxiety before meeting a new client, they have all been so amazing and our work together has been so fruitful that the anxiety passes quickly and gives way to a deep sense of fulfillment. The main struggle I have had so far is that I feel passionate about building a business that reflects my personal values and that also gives me the space that I need to care for my own health. I have chronic illness issues, and taking care of my physical and mental health is like its own part-time job sometimes! So I have tried to use careful, mindful business planning to really create something that is sustainable for me and something that I can feel good about.
For example, my community is known for struggling with a lot of poverty, and this disproportionately affects trans women of color, especially women who are Black and Indigenous. As a person who benefits from my status as a white male and as a settler on unceded lands, I spend a lot of time considering how I can make services available to folks in my community who can’t afford to pay the one-on-one rate while still caring for my own health and creating a sustainable business. Right now, I am providing free resources through my social media accounts, especially Instagram and TikTok. However, I have some exciting pay-what-you-can resources planned for the future, as well as plans for free and pay-what-you-can classes and groups. I also give personally to activists and organizations that support the most vulnerable members of our community, such as the Trans Gender-Variant Intersex Justice Project (TGIJP), the Okra Project, and the Marsha P. Johnson Institute, among others. Ideally in the future, I would love for there to be many gender doulas of varying experiences and identities so that folks could have more options to choose from.
Appreciate you sharing that. What should we know about The Gender Doula?
As The Gender Doula, I offer support to individuals, couples, and families around gender exploration and/or gender transition. I strongly believe that gender doula services are for everyone—yes, I can offer help to someone who is just beginning the journey of medical and social transition, but what I offer is so much more than that! The truth is, there is no one-size-fits-all service for gender exploration or transition. What each person needs varies wildly. One person may need help with fashion advice or a buddy to shop with, while another person may just need an empathetic and understanding ear to process their transition with. One person may need help navigating the complicated world of insurance coverage and claims, while someone else might want to discuss whether or not they are ready for hormones outside of the doctor’s office environment. The options will be even less limited when I can meet my local Los Angeles clients in person!
For example, I can come to intimidating doctor’s visits and/or offer post-surgical care, nutrition, and support. And it goes even further! My job for one client might be helping them create a customized ritual for releasing a previous name or pronoun, and then for another client I might be calling local laser hair removal providers and screening them to see if they are good with transgender clients. For families, I might be the safe space where a trans young person can be fully themself, while also being a processing partner for parents who are struggling, confused, or grieving. And for someone who doesn’t identify as trans but who isn’t very comfortable with their own gender expression, I might guide them through re-envisioning how they embody and express themselves so that they can find something more authentic. I think one of the most challenging aspects of my brand and services is that there is just no way to describe all the ways I can and do support people. Everyone’s needs around gender are different, so the best I can do is promise to meet you (and your family, if needed) exactly where you are at.
What has been the most important lesson you’ve learned along your journey?
The most important lesson that I have learned is something that my mentors, Erica Livingston and Laura Interlandi, impress upon all of their mentees. And that is the idea that when the tide comes in, all boats rise. To me, this means letting go of old paradigm ideas of competition and scarcity. The idea that we have to treat everyone as competition to be beaten is damaging and based in capitalist norms that exist to keep us all scrambling for crumbs. I’m not about that. I came to this work through academics, research, and personal experience. The only other person I know who does this work, Kamryn Wolf, came to it through pastoral training and personal experience. I have no doubt that our approaches are different, but I think that’s awesome. I will serve exactly the people that I am meant to serve, and I will do so in a way that only I can. Similarly, I hope that someday I can help and assist more folks with starting their own practices so that they can serve the people that they are meant to reach.
Pricing:
- All services are based on a $75/hr base rate
- New Client intakes are 90 minutes ($112.50)
Contact Info:
- Email: hello@thegenderdoula.com
- Website: www.thegenderdoula.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thegenderdoula/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheGenderDoula
- Other: https://www.tiktok.com/@thegenderdoula?lang=en
Image Credits:
Abby Mahler Photography
