Today we’d like to introduce you to Cher Ofstedahl.
Cher, please share your story with us. How did you get to where you are today?
My story is one of generational abuse. I was born the unloved child of an unloved child.
To tell you my story, I first need to tell you my mother’s. My mother was the second child of a five-sibling set. My maternal grandmother chose to give all five of her children away for adoption when her husband, my grandfather, took his own life. The adoptions were brokered by the church. The two youngest children, an 18-month old and a newborn were given to two young couples.
The three oldest children, including my mother, seven, five and four-years-old were given to a couple who felt it was their “duty” to take these children in. They were well-off and highly respected in the community. They were stern and strict, had high expectations and dealt out severe discipline when those expectations were not met. The children had everything they needed growing up, except the one thing they wanted most – to be loved.
My mother was married at 18 to the only boy she had ever dated because he told her he loved her. I don’t know if she loved him. I don’t know if she even knew what love was. By the age of 23, she had a picture perfect life – husband, house, a two-year-old son and a newborn daughter. If the movie ended here, we’d have happy endings all around, but I was that newborn daughter, and this is where my story begins. I am the unloved child of an unloved child. I am an identical twin.
My sister never fully developed in the womb and was stillborn. The doctor said I was the stronger of the two and used the limited resources necessary to survive. The resources were limited because, during the pregnancy, my mother smoked and drank. When my mother learned, a few weeks before I was born, that there was only one heartbeat, something in her broke. When she buried my sister, it was like she buried us both.
When I was four, my father left. By then, my mother was an alcoholic and drug addict. My mom got a job working as an “exotic” dancer at a bar. She left the house at 5 pm and got home sometime after 3 am. She slept until noon and then drank until she went to work again. My brother and I were on our own. We got up and got ourselves dressed and off to school. I would show up to class dirty, with tangled, matted hair and often, without shoes.
When I was six, my 2nd-grade teacher, Mrs. Barlow, changed my life. She would meet me at the school gate, whisk me off to the little girl’s room where she would wash my face and hands and brush and braid my hair. She bought a pair of shoes for me and kept them under my desk. She had me go at lunchtime, to read to the Kindergarteners because I would get milk and cookies with them. She knew I never brought a lunch.
At least once a week, she would drive me home after school, stopping at the library to let me pick out books. I loved books. In books, I could escape. Every year after, as I moved from grade to grade, Mrs. Barlow would speak with the teacher about me and ask them to look out for me. I thrived in school. It was my salvation. The positive attention I received from my teachers brought out the best in me.
At home, I was stupid and ugly and would never amount to anything. At school, I was smart and funny and creative. After my mom started dancing, she began bringing home men. My brother and I would be introduced to them and told to call them “uncle.” Some were nice. Most ignored us. A few hit us. Occasionally, one would touch me under my dress or top and laugh. One stuck his finger inside me and made me touch him while my mom was at the store. This man, “Uncle Ed,“ was the one my mom decided to marry.
From the time I was ten until I was 16, my stepfather abused me mentally, physically and sexually. He threatened to kill me, my brother, and my mother if I ever said a word to anyone. Once I cried too loud when he was raping me, so when he was finished, he dragged me outside and made me watch as he killed and skinned my pet rabbit, Rebel. He then made me eat it for dinner.
At 14, I tried to kill myself, I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I confided in a friend and swore her to silence. I don’t know what she told her parents, but after that, I went to her house every day after school “to study” and spent the night almost every weekend. Her parents treated me like I was theirs. I finally got to feel what “family” meant.
At 16, I found out my mother had always known about the abuse. She had made the conscious decision to let this man do whatever he wanted to me because he paid the bills. I went to court and emancipated myself. My drama teacher and his wife let me live with them. Yet again, school saved my life. My stepfather left my mother for a 19-year old shortly after I left home.
I’ll wrap up here. This obviously isn’t where my story ends, but it is the point where I became the author of my own life.
Overall, has it been relatively smooth? If not, what were some of the struggles along the way?
I was never in Foster Care as a child. But I am proof positive that it only takes one caring adult to make all the difference in a child’s life.
This is why I’ve made it my life’s work to help connect abused, neglected and abandoned children with the kind of caring adults who can help them turn trauma into triumph. This is why I work with Trinity Youth Services and the Children’s Foundation of America.
And, just so you know I did find my happy ending – my daughter Alex is the most beloved child of an unloved child, and I am loving watching her write a beautiful story of her own.
Trinity Youth Services – what should we know? What do you guys do best? What sets you apart from the competition?
Trinity Youth Services provides foster care, adoption, mental health services and short-term residential treatment to trauma-affected children and youth who cannot live at home. These children have been the victims of abuse, neglect or abandonment.
Trinity specializes in implementing individualized treatment and service plans for each child; integrating specialized therapeutic interventions, education assistance, activities designed to enhance physical, emotional and social well-being, with the intention of finding a “forever home” for every child in our care.
Over the past half-century, Trinity has helped more than 65,000 children find safety, well-being, and permanency. I have been with Trinity for twenty years. In January 2020, I will take over as Chief Executive Officer of the agency – the first female CEO since our inception in 1966.
If you had to start over, what would you have done differently?
I would have found a way to prosecute my abuser, so he could never hurt anyone else.
Contact Info:
- Address: 201 N. Indian Hill Blvd. A-201 Claremont, CA 91711
- Website: www.trinityys.org
- Phone: 909.825.5588
- Email: [email protected]
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