We recently had the chance to connect with NOITE and have shared our conversation below.
NOITE, a huge thanks to you for investing the time to share your wisdom with those who are seeking it. We think it’s so important for us to share stories with our neighbors, friends and community because knowledge multiples when we share with each other. Let’s jump in: What do you think others are secretly struggling with—but never say?
I think others, including myself, are most often secretly struggling with their insecurities, which is coming from the way in which their mind speaks to them, and what ultimately is an extension of their fears. I see it in the way they speak, in the way they react, and in the way they act. Speaking up about one’s insecurities and fears is something we shy away from so often, even to the point where we are told to just shove it down, hide our fears and faults. It’s been so ingrained into our society that we can never show others that vulnerable side because then we will be rejected, bullied or ostracized because though we as human beings just want to connect, we are taught to believe that those fears and flaws are what make us unacceptable, unlovable, and even to some extremes, unredeemable. And when anyone ever gets close to uncovering those vulnerable spots, we lash out to protect our secrets because being vulnerable is extremely scary – ironically, just another fear.
Can you briefly introduce yourself and share what makes you or your brand unique?
My name is Noite, my pronouns are she/her, they/them and I think what is all encompassing of my capabilities as a multidimensional individual is artist. Once what drew my attention to the world of creativity was as a writer and actor, but over the years I’ve taken on many more hats and skills in order to do anything and everything I want to do because skies the limit. When I was told to pick just one niche and stick with that, I said no, I refuse to be put inside a box and I am not so niche. And what I do is tell my story, share my experiences and the trials and tribulations that I have undergone in hopes that there may be someone out there who can relate and find some comfort in knowing that against all odds, alone and tired, there is a light at the end of the tunnel; it just comes with a lot of baggage that needs sorting. For most of my life I stayed silent, small, barely seen, so much so that when I unraveled, people didn’t understand and called me a monster but because I no longer wish to hide who I am, I’m awkwardly embracing what it means to be authentically myself so that I am what you see, I say what I mean, and I act with intention, and I do it with art!
Okay, so here’s a deep one: What’s a moment that really shaped how you see the world?
I think that moment started when COVID started and it hasn’t stopped since. I was trapped in a house with 6 of my friends, but by the end of it, I only had 1 friend left. I experienced my ego shattering and being left wondering who I was while truly seeing the people that I surrounded myself with and how nothing was as it seems. I think that time with those people really made me relive a lot of my childhood traumas and with everything on the surface, I was suffocating, angry, and scared. Since then, I can’t tell anymore if I’m joking or not when I say I’m afraid of people but somewhere in all of that chaos grew a deeper understanding and love of the stage we find ourselves upon.
What fear has held you back the most in your life?
I think the fear that has held me back the most, as the one that is continually resurfacing and what I’ve come to realize is the root of how I feel towards myself, is the fear that I am not enough. I see it show up in everything I do, in how I behave, in how I talk to myself, and is especially apparent in my relationships with others. “My art isn’t liked or seen because it’s not good enough and someone is always better,” I tell myself. Or friendships don’t last because there’s something wrong with me and they always leave eventually because I’m not good enough for them to stick around or to put in the effort. I don’t get picked for that acting job because I’m actually a terrible actor and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I lack the “it factor.” Maybe it’s also that I’m not pretty enough. I often feel alien in my own body that I feel like something other than human and because I don’t feel human, it’s only natural that I just wouldn’t be able to do anything right. I think this fear has made me more anxious and possibly insufferable to other people that that is why I cause my own loneliness. And if just normal, everyday people think I’m insufferable, how could I ever expect anyone to see my art as even worthy of any attention?
I think our readers would appreciate hearing more about your values and what you think matters in life and career, etc. So our next question is along those lines. What do you believe is true but cannot prove?
I think it’s difficult, if not impossible, to prove that coincidences in fact are not coincidental and things (probably) happen for a reason. I mean, especially when I’m still trying to prove that to myself; still trying to convince myself that my experiences with a person that ended in them spreading malicious rumors about me was in fact for my own good and I’m not missing out on that job opportunity or I tried to have a relationship with someone but instead got hurt for the lesson of learning more about myself and learning of love and loss or that every single mistake I’ve ever made and the ones I’ve yet to make are just little detours. If I have even the slightest difficulty with convincing myself of that, what I experienced in life is for some greater good, I can’t imagine I could do much better proving it to someone else. When the wound is still fresh or even after it’s healed and the bittersweet sting still lingers, how do I convince myself that there’s not something wrong with me and I’ll grow from this and become a better version of myself? Easier said than done. What I have discovered, in spite of my difficulty to accept it, there has been a process in undergoing the “dark night of the soul” that I have rediscovered parts of myself that I didn’t know were there. Through the practice of journaling and shadow work, I have been finding out a lot about how I operated, but more importantly how there are also pieces of myself in other people that are traits that were unaccepted and unseen and wounds that haven’t quite healed. And so, it is with my best judgement that I have come to the conclusion that every experience and every human I encounter must have “something” to teach me, no matter the outcome and if I like it or not, and there’s no exact time frame: it could take days or years before I finally understand what that “something” was.
Okay, so let’s keep going with one more question that means a lot to us: What do you think people will most misunderstand about your legacy?
People will misunderstand how much I struggled doing everything alone and how little my work is seen; the hours I put into teaching myself how to do special effects makeup, sewing and constructing my own costumes, along with the research that goes into learning new skills and talents that undergo trial and error to make things that I rarely have seen done by anyone else and how many times I fell short of meeting others’ expectations while trying to manage to do it all and still having day to day life stuff. Countless times I’ve spoken to people who applaud or give me praise over the images they’ve seen on my social media, congratulating me on all the work I’m doing but really none of that is paid work and so few people actually engage with my content that the views, likes and comments are under 100 people. I don’t get paid to make my art and if I make one mistake with a contact, they cut me off in spite of my apologies and don’t consider their own mistakes or I find myself in situations where people want to use my creativity for free. Top that with my crushing depression, anxiety, BPD, and autism, I don’t make friends well and networking or collaborating is nearly impossible sometimes. It’s very tiring and heartbreaking to put so much effort into building relationships with people in my industry to create more or trying to think of the next eye-catching piece that will really catch their attention all while staying true to the message that each project is more than just the art.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/knotsoniche
Image Credits
Chris Jon
Chris Cornish
Jung Kim
Steve Meier
Kimberlee Peterson
Justin Carpenter
