An Inspired Chat with Darlynn Childress of Agoura Hills

We’re looking forward to introducing you to Darlynn Childress. Check out our conversation below.

Darlynn, it’s always a pleasure to learn from you and your journey. Let’s start with a bit of a warmup: What are you most proud of building — that nobody sees?
I’m incredibly proud of launching and producing a successful podcast. Every podcaster knows what it takes to publish quality episodes that meet people where they’re at week after week. It can be a real “behind-the-scenes” grind. But worth the work. The Become A Calm Mama Podcast is at almost 200 episodes! Every episode is a labor of love and I’m really proud of the impact the podcast has had on the 26,000 listeners who’ve tuned in.

Can you briefly introduce yourself and share what makes you or your brand unique?
Every parent wants their kids to listen to them. They want to stop yelling at their kids. They don’t want to repeat themselves 5 times before their kids do what they’re asked. They want a peaceful home.

The problem is that a lot of parenting advice starts with your kid’s behavior and gives you tips on how to change it, without helping you understand why kids misbehave in the first place.

Throughout my 15 years as a parenting coach, I’ve learned that real change happens when a parent learns to manage their emotions in healthy ways and teaches their kids to do the same.

You can follow all the instagram and tiktok scripts perfectly, but unless you cultivate genuine calm inside yourself, parenting will still feel chaotic and stressful…and your kids will still not listen. When parents prioritize their mental health and their kids emotional wellbeing, behavior improves and the day to day routines of parenting get easier.

That’s why my work focuses first on the emotional health of the parents first, and behavior second.

Appreciate your sharing that. Let’s talk about your life, growing up and some of topics and learnings around that. What part of you has served its purpose and must now be released?
I grew up in an unpredictable and trauma-filled environment. Because of those early traumas, the world seemed unsafe so I became hypervigilant in my relationships; looking out for how people were judging me, doubting me. Never quite letting my guard down. Ready to protect myself.

The way I kept myself “safe” was by never putting myself in a position of “danger”. Only taking calculated risks. Being very careful of who I let into my life. Choosing jobs and situations where I had a lot of control. Managing my day-to-day life in a measured and predictable way.

These strategies served me pretty well, until I became a mom. Any parent knows that having children means you have very little control. Having young children, for me, felt like being in a chaotic time loop – every day was stressful and I constantly failed at being the calm and loving mom I thought I’d be.

By the time my son was 4 years old, my nervous system was completely wrecked. He was a “hitter” and I constantly felt panicked by his unpredictable tantrums. My brain convinced me he was “unsafe” and I was in constant fight/flight mode.

What I learned is that my childhood created an emotional “blueprint” that wasn’t serving me. I had to drop the belief that I was unsafe. I had to realize that vigilance and control were no longer protecting me, but actually hurting me.

This realization led me on a long journey of healing my nervous system and negative bias, so I could show up as the parent I wanted to be. Breaking a generational trauma cycle and freeing my sons to feel safe in the world – exactly as they are.

When did you stop hiding your pain and start using it as power?
Being a rageful mom is very embarrassing. It’s something no one wants to admit because mothers aren’t “supposed” to be angry. Mothers are supposed to be saints. There’s so much pressure around being a “good mom” that when you’re failing at motherhood, the shame of that failure can keep you trapped in the same rage-regret cycle.

The first time I admitted my struggles to a friend was really scary. I said to her, ‘I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with my son. Like he’s abusing me [because he was hitting] and I have to protect myself.” And with so much love and grace, she said, “That’s not normal and you might need some therapy.”

Since that day, I’ve done so much internal work and have forgiven myself completely for the ways I acted in the past. I have a lot of love and understanding for why I was a reactive and rageful mom. I have new tools and strategies that help me feel less anxious and more trustful.

After a few years of healing, I started to tell my story to other moms. The more honest and vulnerable I was, the safer these moms felt to be honest and vulnerable too. The more honestly I shared, the more moms reached out to me for help. After almost 15 years of working as a mom coach, I’ve helped hundreds of parents get out of rageful parenting cycles.

Vulnerability really is a super power.

Sure, so let’s go deeper into your values and how you think. What’s a belief or project you’re committed to, no matter how long it takes?
In 2019, I was laying down in a yoga class (cliche, I know, but real) when the instructor asked what our intentions were. And all of sudden I felt very heavy and had the thought, “I want to heal the next generation in advance”.

With those words so clearly articulated, my life mission became defined. I had already been a parenting coach for several years at the time, but before then, I had not realized the scale of my mission.

In my work with parents, we often go back to childhood wounds and heal those parts that were treated poorly or hurt. Parents “re-parent” themselves by going back and giving their wounded parts what they needed to hear or feel as children. This work is very important and powerful, but my thought was, “What if the next generation didn’t have to go back and heal their childhood wounds? What if they didn’t have them because their wounds were treated, cared for and healed in real time? What could this next generation achieve if they didn’t spend their 20s and 30s healing?”

That thought inspired me so much at the time that I double-downed on my business and really started to grow the impact my work had. The mission still inspires me to this day.

I deeply believe that my work and the work of other parent educators who are teaching emotional literacy will create children who grow up and become emotionally healthy adults.

Okay, so before we go, let’s tackle one more area. What will you regret not doing? 
This is vulnerable to share, but I will regret not publishing a parenting book. On a quiet morning in 2012, I sketched out a parenting theory and wrote in my journal that this would be a book. Over several years, I taught this theory hundreds of times and fine tuned it.

I’ve written countless articles, parenting courses, handbooks, study guides, and podcast episodes teaching this parenting theory. It’s in my bones. Now my parenting approach is ready to be on paper, all in one place, for all to read.

I want to publish this book because I want to offer parents a way out of the pain and disappointment they feel sometimes, especially moms. A way out of the overwhelm, anger and frustration. A way out of the fear. A way out of the guilt.

I want moms to enjoy being a mom. I want them to delight in their kids. I want them to feel calm, no matter what is happening in their home.

This book is my way of helping parents learn how to get out of that negative parenting spiral of yelling, guilt, resentment and shame. So they can feel calm, confident, and clear headed. So they can become the mom they want to be.

It’s time.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.calmmamcoaching.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/darlynnchildress/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/darlynn.childress
• Other: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/become-a-calm-mama/id1607377252